Life begins at 58.....

You know, I always felt like I was one of those people that had their shit together. I mean, I've been working consistently, and with only a few times of non-employment (that would total maybe 7-8 months over a span of 41 years) I have worked non-stop since I was 17. I bought my own condo when I was 26. I started working for the company that I am currently employed by in 1983 (and I have been associated with them since the summer of 1982). I thought I had my life figured out in my late 30's, and was content with where I was and what I was doing when I met and (after several months of trepidation) started dating my now ex-wife. By the time we celebrated our 2nd anniversary, our 2nd child was born, and Justin (my now 25-year-old stepson) was 7. We had bought and moved into the house that the kids and I live in now. Several years ago we started going back to church again, and now I'm in my 4th year on the church council and my 2nd term as council president. I've taken the program I manage at work and have increased its revenue by 345%.

So, why do I get this constant feeling I’m supposed to be doing something else?

You might be thinking now after reading this that I may be just be going through some type of midlife crisis. I don’t think so. If there’s anything in my life over the last few years that could have been considered crises, then this doesn’t come close. When you lose your job, your marriage dissolves, and you lose your mom, all in the course of 3-1/2 years, you tend to downplay other things in your life that might be considered crises. So, that’s not what’s going on.

Maybe it’s that existential argument of wondering what my legacy is going to be. So much in our male-oriented society dictates that men must leave some sort of legacy, be it money, or fame, or whatever yardstick we a subjected to. Well, screw that. If anything, I believe my legacy is going to be good kids, who are turning into adults. Maybe not right away, but maybe someday Audrey will have a conversation with her children about what kind of dad – what kind of man I was – just as she and I have conversations about my dad, and what kind of man he was. I’m not worried about my legacy.

No. It’s something else. Something that’s been moving inside of me these last couple of years, but since last fall, has become more important to me.

I believe I was made for bigger and better things.

Yeah, that does sound arrogant. But it is not. I have realized that in these past few months there is an upswelling in my soul to be more involved in that which gives me joy. I have felt a strong surge of spiritualism in my life, a God-centric spiritualism, fueled by my love of nature, photography, music, and the written word. And I want to immerse myself in those joyful activities.

I have been reading more in the last few months, and the selection of books have ranged from the transcendental writings of John Muir, to the personal writings of the late Rachel Held Evans – writings that cover a humanist approach to nature, or a contextual understanding of scripture.

I have dwelt on my relationship with God, inspired by that which I have read, as well as meeting some of the good sisters of St. Joseph in nearby Orange, where they run a spirituality center. I am finding that I want to make this a larger part of my life. And recently, when I attended the Pacific Synod Assembly, I found that there were many Lutheran churches in our Synod, and in our conference, that are doing the work of God, and I want to be even more a part of that – even to the point of finding out how I may be a deacon within the Lutheran church.

I have gone back over images of mine that were taken (in some cases) 25 years ago. But they are images that evoke strong memories, and as I have endeavored to create some content that amplifies those feelings. I have started the framework for the photographic workshops that I plan to lead and am wanting to spend some time this fall working with a select group of friends, who enjoy photography, and help them to learn to “see”.

All of this – the photography, the desire to teach photography, the desire to read and immerse myself in the nature of God and in God’s creation, and the desire to be active in ministry, just make me want to say…..

Why am I still doing that which I should NOT be doing? Why am I not doing that which I SHOULD be doing?