What I want for Christmas...

I hate to admit it, but I'm not in the Christmas Spirit this year. Now, before you get all judgemental and scold me, there are a lot of folk around us that aren't either. For many people, this time of year brings them a sense of loss. Perhaps they lost a loved one recently, or on a date around this time, and they dwell on that loss heavily at this time of year. There are many people who come into this season without family members to love them. And let's not forget those thousands of families that have been displaced by the recent fires in California, or hurricanes in Texas and Puerto Rico. So, I don't think I'm alone in saying I'm not in the Christmas Spirit.

But what is odd is that I usually AM in the Christmas Spirit. I'm usually excited about decorating, about the shopping, about the music, the movies - everything! I have certain "rituals" that I do every Christmas, like watching multiple adaptations of "Christmas Carol", as well as reading the story penned by Charles Dickens. Christmas music plays constantly, be it choral music or Nat King Cole. I do these things to help me get in that mood.

So, this year, I'm just not doing these things as I usually do, and when I do, I do not find the satisfaction that I have in the past. 

So, what is it?

I find that I am tired. Work for the last several months has been busy. Not physically demanding, but mentally taxing. There's much more to think about, to mull over. And I come home, fix dinner, and pretty much crash. I was dating a lot early in the year, and find that I cannot focus on that as well. I'm not singing right now, and I'm VERY relieved, because Christmas time for a musician is one event or gig after another, and you need to have that "crash" time, which you don't get until after Christmas itself. 

And I feel that I am at a crossroads in life. I really want to retire, and I want to pursue my photography as well, but both are impossible to do right now with the kids at home, Justin not working (and not paying rent), and just simply focused on keeping us in the house. It seems like life has creeped into the Holidays, and I'm not in the mood for rejoicing. 

I'm dating, but no one has knocked my socks off, and I wish I had someone that knocked my socks off. 

And I have to admit that our political climate has me worried and concerned for the very future of our country, and that is weighing on my mind.

And I have a dear friend who has cancer, and she already feels alone, and I worry about her at this time. 

And this weather we're having, with warm days and hot Santa Ana winds, is not getting me into the Spirit either.

So, now that I write this all down I can see why I'm not in the Christmas Spirit.